The Fear That Cripples a Relationship

This is an article shared by my friend

It reminds me of someone

Who said something to me lately

Love relationship, Commitment and Fear

Are all discussed here

I bet it revealed more or less about yourself

Be honest

You did it to yourself always

By Dr H. Norman Wright

Doubts and fears about relationships can be dealt with by completing the Couples Relationship Historical Sketch and other inventories discussed in this chapter.

Have you ever seen movies of birds engaging in a courtship dance? They’re fascinating and funny. The awkward fowls fluff up their feathers, prance around, dance toward one another, and then retreat. They do this time after time until the courtship rit­ual is finished. Then they get together.

Some people are like this. They move close to a person, but then retreat. Their relationship pattern is a constant pattern of moving closer, then moving away. There seems to be both a strong desire for a lasting relationship, and at the same time an odd reluctance.

“Ambivalence” is another way to describe this situation. If this characterizes you, you’re familiar with the phrase, “Can’t you ever make up your mind?” The inability to decide is a killer when it comes to relationships. With ambivalence as your guide, what you’re doing is operating on the belief that by not making up your mind—by holding out long enough—you’ll eventually make the right decision.

In reality, however, this is a protective move to keep you from taking a risk. An ambivalent person is looking for a guarantee—a certainty of being right. It’s a battle between the heart and the head. Once again, it is fear that underlies this difficulty.

Fears Both Said and Silent

Many singles experience thoughts and feelings such as the fol­lowing. Have you felt them yourself?
“I don’t think this relationship will be reciprocated. My friend’s needs will be met, but mine won’t.”
“This relationship takes so much work. I’m afraid I can’t bal­ance the needs I have for closeness as well as independence.”
“I’m afraid of opening up any more. Why? The more he knows about me, the greater the possibility of rejection. I can’t handle that.”
“If I stay in this relationship I could be controlled.”
“If she meets my family, she’ll discover what a weird bunch I come from. It will make her wonder about me.
“What if she becomes too dependent on me?”
“I’m not sure a marriage will be worth giving up the freedom I like so much!”’

Being married carries with it both freedoms and limitations. I’ve talked with men and women who have been in and out of one relationship after another for 25 years. They say they want a lasting relationship, and have been close to someone at times, but one or both decide not to make that final dance toward inti­macy. It’s as though they would rather hold on to their freedom of singleness than exchange it for the freedoms of marriage. They are in some ways driven by fear.

For many it’s a commitment conflict rather than not being able to find anyone. It’s good to approach a lifelong relationship with caution, but some seem downright phobic.
Sometimes relationships are characterized by an overwhelming ambivalence On the one hand the person loves the other and can say it. They may say it very freely at the beginning of a relation­ship—but their safeguard to keeping themselves from marriage is in the word “but.”

Those whose hesitation forms a pattern, and who live with the fear of commitment, often make such statements as:

“I love you, but we’re so different it would never work.”
“I love you, but I think I need more time.”
“I love you, but I just don’t deserve you.”
“I love you, but I have too many other issues to work out first.”
“I love you, but I need to be alone right now.”
“I love you, but I’m interested in others as well.”
“I love you, but I’m not sure I’m in love with you. Do you understand?”

These lines play over and over inside of hesitant people’s minds. Only infrequently are they expressed to their partners. And even if they are, usually the other one hears the “I love you, not the “but.”

Guide to Assessing Your fears

How can you determine whether you or the person you’re inter­ested in has a high level of fear when it comes to making a com­mitment? Consider the following characteristics, which are in the form of personal questions.

1. Do you or your partner have a history of relationships in which one wants more and the other less?

This could take the form of more time, closeness or commit­ment. As you consider the relationships you’ve been in or cur­rently have, do you want more or less? What about your partner?
Do either of you complain that the other pulls back or with­holds?
Do either of you limit how much is given in order to avoid intimacy’
Do either of you have a pattern of hurting or disappointing partners?
Is one a bit anxious because the other is not giving the secu­rity he or she needs?
Is one pushing the other for more commitment?

On the following scale, indicate where you are in terms of commitment, and also where you think your partner is:
0 25% 50% 75% 100%
(Forget it!) (Yes! I’m all for it!)
Me _______________________________________

My Partner _______________________________________


Sometimes it’s difficult for couples who are out of synch to ever get together. When one moves closer the other may move away. It becomes a dance in which the two are always out of step.

2. Have you ever experienced a significant relationship that came to a halt because you or your partner became too fearful of moving ahead?

If this occurred, do you know if it was a feeling of panic or a steady sense of fear? Who was the person that was rejected? Was this the first time, or a pattern?

3. Have you experienced a relationship in which either you or your partner set limitations of some kind on closeness and intimacy (nonsexual)?

Some people are so structured, so cautious, so compartmentalized, that you’d think they invented boundaries! Their concerns may appear so legitimate that you’re unaware that it’s actually a fear of involvement. It may appear to be caution or simple logistics.

A person may limit his time and availability. He may exclude you from specific areas of his life such as family functions, work, social occasions, certain friends, or even his church. I’ve seen some indi­viduals who attended the same church, but the man made it a point never to be seen there together. He didn’t want them to be known as a couple. There’s a real message in that!

A person like this may not want to share other special occasions or even special interests. He or she may even set restrictions on how much money you spend together on outings, or limit gifts to cards. All of these steps seem to have the purpose of maintaining a certain distance in relationships.

If you or your partner tend to do this, don’t guess about the motivation. It’s clear. Excluding and being excluded won’t help a relationship to grow.

4. Do you have a tendency to develop relationships when, down deep, you know they would never work out—that the person just doesn’t have what is needed for a rela­tionship?

Some people do this so they will always end up with an escape clause. Usually the difficulties are there to begin with, but they are overlooked or rationalized. They could be differences involv­ing political views, social status, race, age, levels of Christian commitment, or even Christian vs. non-Christian. It’s an attitude that says. “There is too much of this for it to ever work.”
Differences will be in every relationship; but a pattern of seeking them carries a sign saying. “Watch out!”

5. Do you believe there is that “one and only right per­son” for you out there somewhere, but as you look, the person you actually find is never quite right?

Once again this can be a signal that you seek someone with “too much” of a negative in his or her life. You just haven’t found the ‘right person’ (and probably never will).

6. Do you or your partner have a tendency to seek out those who are unavailable for one reason or another?

It could be they’re unavailable relationally. They’re involved with someone else, but you’re still attracted—as well as safe. There can be no commitment with someone whose heart is really elsewhere.

Some potential partners are geographically unavailable. You meet someone at a resort or on a plane, and when you’re togeth­er it’s great. You write, e-mail, fax and phone each other; but the distance adds to the romance rather than the reality.

There are pros and cons to some long-distance relationships. Some couples have said they put more energy and thought into building the relationship than they would if they were together all the time. And they say they don’t take each other for granted.

But if you marry without several months of spending time together in the same locale, it can be an intense adjustment. Some say that when the relationship stops being long-distance it can even precipitate a crisis.

In some ways it is reminiscent of the adjustments required by those in the armed services when they are deployed for six months to another area. Many marriages experience major adjustments and crises when the serviceman returns to his family. It takes weeks to settle back into a normal routine. So if you’re involved in a long­ distance relationship, be aware of the crisis potential when you eventually find yourselves in the same area.

Working side by side with this person for three months—see­ing them under all kinds of stresses and conditions—will clue you in to reality!

I’ve seen some people who seem purposely to connect with what I call the “permanently unavailable.” It gives them a good basis for commitment to be illusive.

Perhaps you can identify other reasons for someone to avoid commitment. And perhaps this doesn’t apply to you or the other person. But it’s something to consider.

Relationship ‘Historical Sketches'

Every relationship is a learning experience. That is. if you let it become one. You can learn not only from each relationship but from the pattern of your relationships. Have you ever completed a Relationship Historical Sketch on yourself? It can be very revealing.

For example. Jim was 35 when he said he wanted to talk about getting married. Actually, he wanted to find out why he wasn’t already married by now. He dated most of the time, but nothing seemed to work out. I suggested that we spend some time creating a history of his dating or relationship patterns, starting with the first person he was involved with and continuing all the way up to the present. This is what Jim’s relational history looked like:

1st date 1st relationship 2nd relationship
Age 17 Ages 18-19 Ages 22-23
Prom (had to go) She broke up with me. Both called it off

3rd relationship 4th relationship 5th relationship
Ages 24-25 Ages 27-29, Ages 30-32
She pursued me, I cared for this woman I could see it
but I lost interest but she left me for wouldn’t work,
another man. so why waste time?

6th relationship 7th relationship 8th relationship
Age 32 Age 33 Age 34
I liked her but she Not sure why Wouldn’t have
traveled too much. I stop­ped calling her. worked out. Values
She was still interested. were too different.

9th relationship 10th relationship CurrentlyAge 34
Age 35 Age 35
She was talking Not sure why we No one at this time.
marriage after stopped seeing each
a month. other.

After Jim completed this history I asked him to reflect on the chart for the next week and try to determine what the pattern of his relationships is telling him. This is what he said:

“After looking at this I decided I sure didn’t want any woman to see this or she’d be frightened off immediately. Putting this in writing had a totally different impact on me than just thinking about it. It’s so flaky. Or I felt kind of flaky about my relationship life! I realized I was kind of cautious, but maybe I’m picky. The more I read this the more I realized I’ve been burned or hurt by some of my experiences.

“I guess I’m gun-shy and protective. I’m okay about the first four relationships. I invested enough time in them to make an evaluation. But my pattern over the last four years! Regardless of the reasons. I bailed out! You know what I said to myself? Basically, for each one I said, ‘Why invest more time? It will never work.’ But that’s not true. Perhaps I was afraid it would work. I’m the one who’s afraid of what it would mean to com­mit. Maybe I don’t have what it takes. I guess I’m at the place where I’ve got to come to grips with my pattern if I’m ever going to be capable of marriage.”

Jim took the time to look at his life and to make some impor­tant discoveries. This may be a step you’d like to take. It could be you’re already in a serious relationship and wondering if this is the one for you.

It may be time for both of you to complete a Couples Relationship Historical Sketch (CRHS). The CRHS has been adapted from a process used for engaged couples by Dr. Robert F. Stahmann and Dr. William I. Hiebert. It’s designed to discover significant relational events, dates, interactions, conflicts, and growth. It will help you clearly discover how you behave with each other, what each contributes to the relationship, how you affect one another and any patterns you’ve already established.

The following is an example of a CRHS of a couple we’ll call Sandy and Jim.

Sandy, age 26 Met each other 4/94 First date 7/94
Jim, age 24 Served on two Dinner and walk
committees on beach. Talked
for three months. for seven hours

Second date 7/94 Three major conflicts 11/94
(two resolved)
Saw each other four
to six times a week.

11/94 — 6/95 7/95 7/97
Separated. Relationship Sandy gave ultimatum:
Mutually resumed. marriage or let’s go
agreed upon. Exclusive. our separate ways.


Of course the pattern of everyone’s CRHS will be different. Your relational history will be more meaningful if you will take the time to reflect on it by means of the following Relationship Assessment Inventory. The process of answering the questions will help to clarify the development of your relationship, espe­cially if you take the time to discuss your individual responses. The inventory will help you determine where you are in the rela­tionship and what needs to happen before you move ahead.

Take a large sheet of paper and answer and discuss the fol­lowing questions:

1. Where and how did you meet?
2. What was your initial impression of each other?
3. If you were friends before you began dating, how did you make the transition to romance?
4. Describe your first date—where, what, when, who asked who, etc.
5. What was your impression of your partner after your first date?
6. How did you decide you wanted to continue seeing your partner after the first date? Who decided where you went and what you did? Who was the decision-maker at this time? Is it the same now?
7. When did you decide to date one another exclusively? How was the decision made? Was it discussed or did it just happen?
8. What were your initial concerns about the other per­son? What are they now?
9. When was the first conflict? What was it about? How was it resolved? Was this satisfactory to you?
10. When did you first discover something you wanted to change about the other person? How did you approach it? Did you succeed?
11. Have you experienced a separation? If so, describe the reason for it and who initiated it. What did it accom­plish, and what brought you back together?

Up to now, we’ve dealt with the past—your relational histo­ry. The following questions are designed to help you assess the current status of your relationship. On another large sheet of paper answer and discuss the following:

1. Describe how much significant time you spend togeth­er and when you spend it.
2. Describe five behaviors or tasks your partner does that you appreciate.
3. List five personal qualities of your partner that you appreciate.
4. How frequently do you affirm or reinforce each other for the behaviors and qualities described in questions 2 and 3?
5. List four important requests you have for your partner at this time
6. How frequently do you make these requests?
7. What is your partners response?
6. List four important requests your partner has for you at this time.
7. How frequently does he/she make these requests?
8. What is your response?
9. What do you appreciate most about your partner’s style of communication?
10. What frustrates you most about your partner’s commu­nication?

Since this last issue, communication, is so basic to your rela­tionship, expand your assessment of it by completing the follow­ing special communications inventory.

Communication in Your Relationship

Answer each question with one of these responses: Myself My Partner or Neither.

1. Listens when the other person is talking
2. Appears to understand the other when they share
3. Tends to amplify and say too much
4. Tends to condense and say too little
5. Tends to keep feelings to oneself
6. Tends to be critical or to nag
7. Encourages the other
8. Tends to withdraw when confronted
9. Holds in hurts and becomes resentful
10. Lets the other have their say without interrupting
11. Remains silent for long periods of time when the other is angry
12. Fears expressing disagreement if the other becomes angry
13. Expresses appreciation for what is done most of the time
14. Complains that the other person doesn’t understand him/her
15. Can disagree without losing temper
16. Tends to monopolize the conversation
17. Feels free to discuss sexual standards and beliefs with one’s partner
18. Gives compliments and makes nice comments to the other
19. Feels misunderstood by one’s partner
20. Tends to avoid discussions of feelings
21. Avoids discussing specific problem topics or issues

Which of the above would you like to change, and what will you do to accomplish that?
Following are two other inventories that will help you come to terms with your relationship.

Current Level of Satisfaction

To indicate your current level of satisfaction, place an X at the appropriate place on the scale, with 0 indicating no satisfaction. A score of 5 is average, and 10 means super, fantastic—the best! Then go over the statements again using a circle to indicate what you think your partner’s level of satisfaction is at the present time.

1. Our personal involvement with each other, when we see one another
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

2. Our affectionate and romantic interaction
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

3. My trust in my partner
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. My partner’s trust in me
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

5. The depth of our communication together
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

6. How well we speak one another’s language
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

7. The way we make decisions
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

8. The way we manage conflict
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

9. Adjustment to one another’s differences
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

10. Our church involvement
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

11. The way we support each other in rough times
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

12. Our spiritual interaction
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


The future of This Relationship

Be sure to discuss each partner’s responses to these important questions.

1. If this relationship were to fail, I would feel ____________

2. If this relationship were to fail, my partner would feel ____

3. My commitment level to staying in this relationship is:

Little or Average Absolute
no commitment commitment commitment
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. My partner’s commitment level to staying in this relation­ship

Little or Average Absolute
no commitment commitment commitment
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Hopefully, having answered these questions, you will have a better understanding of your relationship. If your relationship is moving toward marriage, you may want to begin pre-engagement or premarital counseling. Some couples spend eight to 10 hours with a qualified pastor or counselor and complete 60 to 80 hours of homework. That may sound like a big-time investment, and it is. But why not? Especially if you’re planning to be married for the rest of your life!